With the shelter-at-home order that has lasted an eternity in most states, there are some concerns we need to address and topics to take into consideration.
Now, first, let’s discuss this wildly odd run on toilet paper. Why people? Why? I’m guessing at the onset of this some poor dude was routinely buying a bunch of it for an entire facility or something like that and someone else saw it and freaked out. After they got their fill, they passed it on to everyone they knew, and word got out.
Spoiler alert, you are literally flushing money down the toilet! If you need that much toilet paper, you require a doctor, not Cottonelle. This is a respiratory virus, not Gas Station sushi. How do we explain to our kids that a guy who ate bat soup shut down the world and created a toilet paper shortage?
The grocery stores have been transformed into real life games of Pac-Man. We go all over in an erratic pattern to get the fruit and avoid the scary creatures.
Barbers, hair salons and beauty shops have all been closed and deemed “non-essential.” I beg to differ. This shut down is going to have most people looking like they came out of hibernation with a hangover.
Guys (and maybe some ladies) will be sporting wild looking beards and mustaches, while most women’s “natural colors” will be shining through.
Pro tip to the boys: DO NOT COMMENT ON THAT IF YOU SEE IT! Not smart or safe! Trust the ol’ Sarge on this one, please. I know of what I speak.
A comment that we think is funny may result in the speaker needing a medic. If you choose not to listen to my advice, I hope you can adequately defend yourself.
It’s probably safe to assume underground salons will be popping-up like speakeasies during prohibition.
Some people are cleaning their houses every day, embarking on crazy DIY (do it yourself) projects they saw on some website. People are posting their dinners, no make-up selfies and their Tik Toks. Believe it or not, some are even posting their most professionally amateur and uninformed medical opinions. Listen Dr. Seuss: stick to posting easy-bake recipes and leave the medical opinions to the pros.
CAN I DIE FROM A THIRST FOR SPORTS?
What the hell are sports fans supposed to do? Networks are showing reruns of events that we know the outcome. The best we have now is watching squirrels chase each other. I heard that yesterday, there was a live broadcast of a NASCAR race with no fans in the stands. Sounds strange. I missed it because I had to work.
What is there to watch during this “House Arrest Simulation?” Well you have cable, Hulu, Disney, local TV and, thank little tiny baby Jesus, Netflix. I’ll get back to that little golden nugget in a minute.
There are also music celebrities from most genres that are doing shows from the horrible confinement of their prison-cell-like 2000 sq. foot living rooms. We can’t thank them enough for that.
Now onto Netflix, this life-saving streaming service has provided countless hours of entertainment for millions. Most significant of them all is the Tiger King.
This documentary centered on a self-described gun-toting, no-suit-wearing, earring-keeping personality who has visited “dirty book stores.” He is “broke as shit” and he has everyone talking about it, except Carole Baskin’s ex-husband Don Lewis.
Maybe they don’t have Netflix in Costa Rica or inside a tiger’s digestive system.
The bizarre life of big cat sanctuaries came to the spotlight with this show and it was packed with twenty-watt bulb characters like Joe Exotic, Doc Antle and the local bad boy James, who looks like the cleaning lady from Two and a Half Men. Oh, I nearly forgot the Chucky doll got drunk and had a love child.
The staff at Joe Exotic’s Zoo looked like a traveling sideshow with barely a full set of teeth between them all. Slow down fellas and save some girls for the rest of us!
TAX LAW NEWS
I heard a news commentator suggest that when all the stay-at-home orders are lifted, all restaurant and bar tabs should be tax deductible. Hell yes! You sir, are a genius! If that happened, a few of my favorite local places would become dependents on my 2020 tax return.
“Sir, would you like your receipt?” would get my immediate response, “Absolutely, how the hell else would Uncle Sam know how much time and money I contribute to the local economy at Kickers, Sharkys and Aubrees in a year?”
My tax lady would be proud and ashamed of me at the same time, one for my record keeping and the other for my poor spending habits. Either way, I’d tell her to hit the ‘SUBMIT’ icon and let those tax dice roll!
So, when the restrictions ease and everyone goes back to doing what they did before, what will we have learned?
Bat Soup is disgusting to begin with and when not cooked properly it can shut down the planet.
Plant the idea that people need to hoard toilet paper and, they will. You can’t see anything from inside the small intestines of a tiger.
The government must remind us how to wash our hands thoroughly because somewhere along the way we forgot that it is essential.
Finally, when forced to go to work, we want to stay at home and when forced to stay at home, we want to go to work.
I hope you enjoyed this verbal stroll through Never-Never Land and found a little humor in this stressful time.
Be safe. Take care of your loved ones near and far and realize that this will be behind us before we know it.
“Above all, it’s about going home at the end of the shift … “
We couldn’t agree more.
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